If I knew how to fix things...

Are you lying to yourself about something?
Sometimes.

Did you ever waste too much time on a someone that treated you badly?
Someone? How about something? Hello pharmacy.

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed?
Haven't talked to him in AGES. And I very much like it like that. He and I have nothing to say to each other.

Have you chewed gum after someone else already chewed it?
Uhm, this is an awkward story.

Do you need to say anything to anyone?
I need to say a lot of things to everyone.

Do you like anyone?
Yes.

Anything happen to you within the past month that has made you really angry?
Yes.

Is there someone who instantly makes you smile when they send you a message?
Yes.

What’s your mood right now?
Slightly baffled.

Think back to yesterday, what were you doing around this time?
Not sleeping.

Last place you went out to eat?
Mall food court: Chinese Food. :D

Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?
No.

Have you realized anything lately?
Yeah.

Were you in a good mood last night?
Decent.

What were you doing at 7:45AM this morning?
I definitely shut off my alarm this time.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Yeah.

Are you listening to music right now?
Yes. Pandora radio. <3 Right now it's "God Made the Automobile" by Iron and Wine.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Cold.

Were you happy when you woke up?
I wake up in need to use the bathroom.

Do you plan on moving out in the next year?
I dorm.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
Yes.

When is the last time you took a nap?
Monday.

First person to speak to you in ‘09?
Friends.

Do you think you are capable to last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?
Yes.

Are you a fast typer?
Decent.

Have you ever been given roses?
Rose.

Do you prefer being in an actual relationship, or would you rather have the freedom of a ‘friend’s with benefits’ type deal?
Relationship.

Do you like your life?
Let's talk about this when EVERYTHING is great.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Yes.

Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
Yes.

What color are your eyes?
Dark brown.

Would you ever sky dive?
Yes.

Do you like Red Bull?
No.

Who is in your default picture with you?
For blogger? Just me.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
Yes.

How many televisions are in your house?
That are plugged in and on? Six.

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Sure.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
Three?

Missing someone?
Yes.

Do you own a digital camera?
Yes.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
No.

Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Just ears.

Had someone sing to you?
Once.

Do you like to cuddle?
Yes.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Mixed.

If you write a bad romance.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1885433872?bctid=55018990001

If I smoke my cigarette and run...

Well, home for Thanksgiving. Been here since Saturday. It's been kinda hellish. Not going to lie. I don't think I have ever cried so much in a week's span. There's so much in my mind right now about Chem, family, crisis... well... everything. Lately... I can't stop listening to (as bad as this is...) the New Moon soundtrack and (definitely better than the first) Fame Monster songs. <3 They're helping a lot. Chris helps a lot too. I feel bad... he stayed up late again. He's so sleep deprived... he should really get some sleep.

Anyway, Josh is awake from his nap at the moment. I'm going to babysit now.

If we're going down...

Had a great evening at Jeff's. :D
His family's really sweet.
It's nights like this that make me forget.
I kinda like it. I don't know how to describe it...
Like... It's a temporary high from stress.
Yeah.. that's what it is.



Oh... and a happier note song.
Just for kicks and giggles.
P.S: Old friend of mine... yeah, her brother is the drummer. Super cool, eh?

If she's on your mind...

Holy Mother Earth, Jesus, Father Time, Spirits above, God[s/ess/esses]...
Please help her. Please?

If I'm to blame...

This is in my head...



Anyway... what's new in life?

So. Let me start off this entry tonight by saying I am very confused.
Jeff doesn't understand why I'm upset at the situation. That's what we'll call it... The Situation. It's frustrating because apparently other people know about this and they thought it would be funny. I went to Perks with James and he reassured me that I wasn't overreacting. He thinks I have every right to be. I am still unsure because like Jeff said, other people would have laughed at this. They could think this was funny. BUT... here's the thing... I'm not like other people. I don't want to be like other people. And it's all by choice. And then Jeff went on and on about how I "okay-ed it" but I didn't! Really... I genuinely thought it was a joke. I mean... seriously... the dialogue where I said "ok... whatever, fine..." went like this:

J: "I'm going to spike your drink! And you won't even know it! I have a plan and everything. I even know what day I'm going to do it!!!"
A: "Nooo, you won't do it..."
J: "I will. I most definitely will."
A: "Well... if you do it... I'll have to chop off your balls, in the middle of the night, in your sleep" <--- OBVIOUSLY THAT'S A JOKE...
J: "Consider me ball-less."

^^^REALLY?! I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY? Well, it's going to sound weird because anyone really reading this probably don't know who I'm talking about (except that it's some guy named Jeff)... but Jeff said this in a joking way. A friend and my roommate (I don't know how involved they were in)... thought he was joking as well. I mean, obviously I was joking... so it was supposed to be one big joke. AND, he even said it was a joke... HOWEVER, if it was... he shouldn't go through with it. If it was a joke... it should NOT have been done. That's my opinion. And like... he said it wasn't a trust issue (and James disagrees)... but to me it is. For me... I don't know... it makes me wonder... when is he being serious then? When is he joking? Am I supposed to take this lightly? Or is this something I shouldn't be concerned about? I don't understand. We're kinda frustrated with each other at this moment I suppose. And I was talking about it with James earlier, and he did state a good point: the people Jeff talked to are people who drink. If he did that to them, it would have been funny... and they would have laughed. However, what about someone who didn't want to be a part of it? And when do I take him seriously now? How can I TRUST him whether or not it's a joke that's coming out of his mouth or the truth?

Well now that i rambled and incredible amount of (for a lack of better words) rambling, I think I'm going to head to bed. After all... at the moment... it's 2:15am.

If time can't erase this feeling...

Well... today was an interesting day. I'm not entirely sure where to begin. Probably should start off with the beginning.
My roommate and I overslept and ended up sleeping through Organic Chem. -_-
Well... anyway... our friends wanted to meet up for lunch at our usual place [yay... seems like things are getting better!!!].
Anyway, all was going well... I got a somewhat usual lunch (usually a cold sandwich with raspberry ice tea). Everyone else was sitting down, and there were no napkins. I put my stuff down and got napkins for everyone. ANYWAY. So I sat down and was eating my sandwich and drinking my ice tea... and my friend, Sagar, looked at me and said "that drink is too cold and you are sick; maybe you shouldn't drink that." The thing is though, I have been drinking raspberry ice tea through my cold; I've been fine. I insisted I was doing completely fine. I ended up basically clawing him (which I do feel extremely bad for). So, lunch is done and I ate my sandwich (or what I could eat) and drank my ice tea. Then, my other friend, Jeff, said to me that he tampered with my ice tea. He was talking about doing stuff to it for a while, but I didn't think he would do anything. However, I, of course, thought wrong. He did. not a lot of tampering... but he still did something to it. So I was angry. Still am. Overreacting? Maybe... but the fact is that he still did that behind my back and knows how I feel about that kind of stuff. Ultimately, this whole thing is a trust issue. It's not the fact of what it was, but the fact that I don't think I can trust him with something insignificant, such as a drink.

If he doesn't look a thing like Jesus...

Yet another "When You were Young" video... but live [!!!] on Jimmy Kimmel.

Brandon Flowers is one amazing looking adorable man. Don't believe me? Check out 2 minutes and 38 seconds into the song. <3

Dave Keuning can rock that guitar to no end. Honestly :D

Mark Stoermer is gjdahgljha-awesome at the guitar. :)

Ronnie Vannucci Jr has this incredible energy with the drums. And looks like he can have fun at any moment. Heckyes. B)

If the solution is simple...

Friday: Went through normal day of classes. Packed. Couldn't remember where I put passport so I had to look for the alternative second ID. Went to Rochacha with PCAT takers. Stayed in Jon's house and met his parents. Had a GARBAGE PLATE for the first time. It was pretty good. Not as gross as it sounds. It actually was pretty good. I'll post a picture later. Uhm... heard a scary story at Jon's house. Went to bed about midnight.

Saturday: Woke up at 6:25am after setting the alarm to 6:00am and 6:15am. Ah well. Went to T-Horton's for b-fast. Took PCATs. Long 5 hours. Draining, I tell you. Came back to campus. Chilled with Jeff. And for some reason, the dorm room is unnecessarily hot. I'm definitely considering shorts to bed.

Well... it's Sunday morning technically. Time to finish physics homework, shower, then sleep.

Thought I would provide a quick update.

If these are my confessions...

I'm a Gleek, by the way.

If I meet you now...

I like him so much.

If we're burning down the highway's skyline...

I hate episodes of feeling lonely.
Really and truly. Why does this happen?

If good times die soon...

I've been really upset about this.
And couldn't face the facts.

RIP Winnie
October 5th, 2009

RIP Brittany P.

i hate the EM school district. sometimes its for trivial things, stupid things that dont really matter, but really, this?!

Brittany killed herself. end of story. you CAN’T cover that up and you can’t lie to us. you have no right to dishonor her like that. you have no right to choose for us what knoweldge we can and can’t have, and who we can and can’t have a memorial for. i didn’t know this girl, but i feel like this is part of what she was running away from, even if it was subconcious. that fact that they don’t want us speaking and remembering a beautiful, friendly girl makes me wonder what they do what us to remember…

if she had died as a result of a drunk driver, she would have a memorial. would that be glorifying drunk driving? if she had died from cancer, she would have a memorial… would that be glorifying cancer? if she had been killed in a murder, there would be a memorial… that wouldn’t be glorifying murder. and lastly, if she had been a victim of the columbine high school shootings, she would have had a memorial, and it wouldn’t have been glorifying school shoots. why should that fact that she wanted some control over her life make her a horrible person, someone who doesn’t deserve to be remember, who’s death should only be talked about in whispers?

everyone could learn so much from this. other kids who share in brittney’s disease (and it IS a disease) would learn that people DO care, and that a whole SCHOOL would come together, maybe a whole NEIGHBORHOOD, to see that it will not happen again, no matter who you are.

but no, they keep us seperated. because, to them, this is an inhonarble way to die. who are you to make that dicision for us? if students dont want to come, they dont have to. if parents want to take their children out of school for that, they can. a memorial, ANYTHING, would in no way have to effect everyone, but in this way, by ignoring it, you’re sending the worst possible message…

you’re telling everyone who just wants some help that asking for it is the wrong thing to do, and that if you try to fix what you think is wrong, and do it the only way you believe possible, you’re doing something wrong. im not glorifying suicide. it should never be an option, there should never be the choice of “to die or to live” but by dishonoring her choice, you’re dishonoring her, everyone who knew her, everyone who feels as she does.

you’re dishonoring everyone.

*on a side note, i wish i could send this to an administrator and have it be listening to.*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The entry about is written by a friend's friend. I, myself, did not know Brittany. However, my sister did. Her friends did. Some of my friends did. Even though I didn't know her, I know she was a good person. She was kind to many people and from what I know, she was filled with, what seemed it like, joy. My sister tells me she didn't know her as well as she would have liked to. However, my sister looks up to her and she isn't "glorifying" suicide, as the school district put it. No one should ever be glorifying death. They should be glorifying the person. Remember who they were and what they did to or for you.

I don't know who reads this or who will read this. However, if you want to write something, go ahead.

In addition, since Brittany's death isn't being memorialized in my school district, her family has requested that people donate (by purchasing shirts, bracelets, dog tags, pins, etc.) to the To Write Love on Her Arms foundation. For more information on the foundation, visit their website at www.twloha.com. To anyone out there, this entry is not about wrongdoings. This isn't about school districts. This isn't about many things really. This is about Brittany. May she rest in peace.

I don't really know you, but you made a difference in the minds and hearts of people I know, care, and love. I know you were an amazing person. My sister looks up to you. I know she knew you better. I wish I was fortunate to know you at all. I hope one day I will be up meet you in the heavens above. Know that you are loved. Always and forever. Rest in Peace Brittany Marie Petrocca [May 12, 1995 to October 1, 2009].

If only we were to know the truth...

God.
Why did she leave?
Why is she so young?
Why do people hurt?
They cry, God.

Please let them know
it'll be okay. And
that one day, soon
enough, we'll see her.

If only the good die young...

RIP Brittany.
Only the good
die young.

If I learn to accept things as they are...

chris says (10:41 PM):
ok
in that case
<3 u
:)


Eff my life that he's so far away.
Eff my life for thinking he's awesome.
EFF my life for letting me find happiness.
And eff my life for making me like him so much.

If I find someone who can hold my breath until smoke clears away...

Dear self,
What are you doing? Not terribly sure, are you?
You are talking to a guy who is overseas and starting to like him more than you really should? Why?
Not so much as a why are you talking to him... it's a "why are you starting to like him more than you should"-why.
You know it can never happen, right? Unfortunately.
Why is it that you find a guy you really like, it can't work out?
And why did your best friend from school make you feel all crappy and bad feeling liked? Especially when he has an inkling of how you feel about things in general.

Signed,
Slightly Sad Self.



Dear Slightly Sad Self,
I'm sorry I make you go through this.

Signed,
Self

If I just learn to deal...

Good day lost blogger.

It's been over two months since I last wrote here.
I went through my summer... worked, went on vacation (Cancun), and got a guy fired from work for stalking. Awesome.

Now school's in session.

My never-ending whirlpool of "what am I doing here?" goes on and on and on.
I mean, I know what I am doing here... but mentally I'm not all here? I feel like I'm missing something. I feel a little lost.
And it's strange because I have temporary moments where I feel like I'm not. Mostly it's talking to certain people. However... why do I feel like this most of the time?

Maria Mena wrote a song called "Patience".
Listen to it. Read the lyrics.
It's helping me today.

If I continue with this...

Okay... really fast.
(P.S: for those who are reading... sorry for the cursing.)

Okay. So. Mom said I have this nice person attitude when I'm with my friends.
NEWFLASH... I HAVEN'T HUNG OUT WITH ANYONE IN AGES. I call Buff every so often because I miss it there! I haven't talked to many people from home...

ALSO... while we're just venting about family...
I already talking about Zena and mom.
Now... padre.
My father.
Last night... we were in the city to see fireworks. Good stuff, right?
Anyway... he gets lost for moment. Calls me. Leaves a message. However, I didn't get to my phone on time... shouldn't be a big deal, right? Eh... let me continue. SO... I call back Dad. "WHERE ARE YOU FUCKING IDIOT?!"... Wow... that's a PLEASANT hello... isn't it? Oh-o... so I shouldn't be talking back and giving attitudes?

World... let me tell you something... for the LONGEST time I try to just DEAL with everything. Going away to college made me realize something... I can't JUST DEAL. I am one person... and if I can't defend myself (even if it's from family)... WHO will defend for me? Hm?!

I don't know what this family is on.

But THANKS. Thanks to whoever gives this family crap.
And thank you for making me feel that much more alone.

If I lost myself...

Okay... a major venting session is needed.
Mommy blew a fuse on Zena and me today.
What she says is true... Zena and I have been at each other's throat.
HOWEVER... we do care about each other's feelings. Even if Zena doesn't... I DO...

However... no matter WHAT I do... just HAVING FUN... Zena has to be a little bitch and have this fucking attitude with me.
She thinks that she can bully me around because she can throw punches and kick.

Well... what the fuck.

Zena has been SUCH A BITCH to me.
And I'm hardly around. So I don't get it.

Mom said that I should just stay on campus next year.
FINE. I WILL.

In fact... I don't think I should ever come home.

Goodbye home.

If the moonshine dust scatters across the sky...

I just realized... this past title... and the one from May 17th (which was the one RIGHT before the last one I posted)... are SO incredibly similar.

I suppose my mind hasn't changed it's mindset?

Hahaha.

If the sun won't shine anymore...

So. Let's see. It's been a while since I last wrote. A WHILE... actually.
Let us see. What has been new? Well... I have been attending math summer courses. They're okay. They're just boring and long... but I get 7 credits out of it. Not too horrible I have to say.
Also... I've been working at the movie theatre. It's not too bad. I like the people I work with and things aren't too bad.

Today was TG banquet. It felt good to be home. I missed everyone.
Only... sometimes... when I looked at the people around me... it felt different. Not bad. However, not the same. Maybe it's because I wasn't really a part of it this year. At all. It deeply saddens me. TG was such a huge part of my life. And I just miss it. A lot more on some days.

So much for nostalgia.

Oh, also... today. Hahaha. I met Sam! Y'know, Matt's girlfriend. She's sweet. They're cute together. I'm glad to see they're happy. :)

So... I should try and get to bed soon... since it is about a quarter to 2am.

Oh, quick side note as to what I'm doing right now.
I'm listening to "Come On Get Closer" by Matt Nathanson in low volume while sipping Snapple (the Peach Ice Tea, of course). I'm obsessed with this moment at the moment. I live for things like this. It'll be a good night.

If the sun won't shine...

So. I've come to the conclusion that my uncle is really pathetic. And quite frankly... I'm VERY sick and tired of this. Sure he's and elder and he's not exactly mentally alright... HOWEVER (before you judge me and think I'm a horrid being)... Uncle is FULLY capable of doing things.

Meaning(in example form:
1) When he is hungry... he can get food on his own.
2) He doesn't HAVE to sit all day and be BORED to death. He can do stuff... like clean. ESPECIALLY clean the messes that he makes.
3) I'm sorry... in this household, if you finish something and it's empty (like a cookie box)... you chuck it in the the trash can! You don't just leave it in the kitchen... that's obnoxious.
4) Also... if someone is letting you stay in their house FOR FREE(!!!)... don't you DARE insult that person. Ever!
5) You should have common courtesy manners. Like... oh, I don't know... if you're technically living there... help set the table.
6) Don't you EVEN THINK about saying my father treats you like a SLAVE... and then tell everyone that he does. Because in reality, my father is genuinely a hard worker. And he won't ask for help unless he needs it. You are lucky he only asked you ONCE to help. ONCE. And not more.

There are more examples... but those are the ones that REALLY bother me.
He does have the mentality to do things. He's not a newborn. And he's not old.
I'm sorry... he receives no sympathy from me because I really think he's not "crippled" in the sense that he think he is.
He needs to GROW UP for ONCE in his life.

If I walked in the desert that was 1000 miles long...

So... I got my grades for this past semester. I did really good/not too bad for half of my classes... and I know I did bad in two... one of which I'm fixing over the summer. And I'm adding another course onto it. And then the other class... I DEFINITELY didn't too hot on and HAVE to retake it somehow. Ugh. EFF my life. Eff my life to the bottom of the ocean... into the center of the Earth... and let it explode in whatever that is in there.
Seriously though. Eff my life.

What's wrong with me?
I try so hard... and it's not getting me anywhere.
I'm going NO WHERE. =[

If I followed the breadcrumbs...

So... I know last post I said I would update more... however, I've been trying to keep up with life itself. I don't even know where to begin.
I suppose I'll start off with saying it's summer break. I start summer classes the 26th, blehhh. However, it needs to get done. -_- Lots of things need to get done.

I don't know... I feel like I can't keep up anymore. Like I'm too tired to continue... however, I know I must fight on... no matter how tired I am. And it's not like I'm actually tired because I hardly am. I stay up... panicking, thinking, etc. I can't stop. I become bothered in unnecessary excessive amounts. I want a grip again.

There's something missing in my life.
I don't know what it is.
And I miss it.
... How can I possibly miss something that I don't even know?

If the sea doesn't cause radioactivity...

Well... I have to say. It's almost 3:30am... and I'm still up. Kinda down still... and stressed. Crazy stress.
And this is what I want to do right now... at 3:30am: I want to listen to the soft soothing sounds of Missy Higgins, while eating porridge rice with tofu and peas, along with a cup of black tea that has a hint of orange and/or pear. And instead of thinking about how I'll survive next semester...
I'm writing, what seems like, a novel about distant lonliness and it's almost withering existence and a more crisp air and fresh mind envelope all that was wrong and makes it new.

If I look like I'm running away.

So I haven't written here in a very long time. I'm not really sure where to begin... so I'll pick up from here.

So... I thought I was getting better... mentally that is. And usually I do feel better.

And then... there are those days where I'm dragged to the ground and crash... causing a hault.

There's so much going on. Everything's spinning.


Make it stop.

If I ever stop procrastinating...

Yeah... I'm not going to stop procrastinating at this rate.
I mean... I'm writing a facebook note and blogging. While listening to the Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist sountrack. It's amusing.

Anywho. So. The lovely friends back home are updating blogspots... so I figured... it's been a few weeks (which I'm surprised about). I thought it was time to update.

If I finally got it figured out...

Friends with benefits... and why I don't like the idea:

That incident where I was "too tall" for the guy.

I'll never forget what scarred me that bad. And I hate fwb because he wanted to be "lovers"... and all that bullshit. Seriously. I don't want to walk down that same path ever again.

Just want to put it out there.

If you make breaking hearts look so easy...

It's ironic.
I'm in a school with about 28,000 students... and yet... I don't think I've ever felt so alone.

If you drop your heart...

What the hell.
The end.

If I could quickly say...

What I am:
A semi-depressed artist with scientific intentions, who dares to entertain the world with her fascination with it.

I think that describes me.

If time had a chance to rewind...

So... I'm looking at old... well... since oh4. When I was in high school. Wow. I was such a weird person, hahaha. Half of things I said... I had no idea what on Earth I was saying. Well...I suppose that's what half a decade does to you. You become wiser and you feel more confident that what you are doing is right (or at least... hope it is).