There's so much pressure.
I am not liking this. It's just so not me.
What it comes down to is... I have to make my dream come true. That makes sense. Yes? Only... right now... it's all about family honor. Which adds... not just a little... but a lot of pressure. Especially when failure is a major thing in the family. It's like a diseased gene.
It's like... everyone is on the sidelines... waiting... and hoping... that I screw up. I won't that happen. I won't fail. I won't do anything that will stop me.
I will show everyone what I am made out of.
And then I will be victorious.
And they would be able to just suck it.
Faith. I have that. I hope I have enough of it in me. I hope everything falls into place. It just... has to. I want it to. Not for just now... not because I want it from before... I want it to happen for good. From that point until the day I die.
I hate how there's the pressure. I hate how much I depend on this. I hate the feeling of almost-failure. I hate that there are people waiting for a failure. Most of all... I hate the idea of disappointment. It sickens me. It's like bringing a venomous fang straight to my throat and wishing and praying that this fang will bring me out of my misery. But that would... ultimately... be fatal. Therefore... not the best idea in the entire world. The fatalness is the failure. (Gosh... I had no idea how many times I was wrining failure in this post.)
Also. I love how... I am the "bad" team... and there's the "good guy". Everyone's hoping that good guy will win... and not loose or even tie. It angers me so.
I wanted to go away for college for a new begining. I different setting. To grow up. And not have a constant reminder of what kind of gossip revolves around the society I am a part of. It's all silly nonsense. Filled with childish remarks, almost rumors... and comparisons.
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