If I smoke my cigarette and run...

Well, home for Thanksgiving. Been here since Saturday. It's been kinda hellish. Not going to lie. I don't think I have ever cried so much in a week's span. There's so much in my mind right now about Chem, family, crisis... well... everything. Lately... I can't stop listening to (as bad as this is...) the New Moon soundtrack and (definitely better than the first) Fame Monster songs. <3 They're helping a lot. Chris helps a lot too. I feel bad... he stayed up late again. He's so sleep deprived... he should really get some sleep.

Anyway, Josh is awake from his nap at the moment. I'm going to babysit now.

If we're going down...

Had a great evening at Jeff's. :D
His family's really sweet.
It's nights like this that make me forget.
I kinda like it. I don't know how to describe it...
Like... It's a temporary high from stress.
Yeah.. that's what it is.



Oh... and a happier note song.
Just for kicks and giggles.
P.S: Old friend of mine... yeah, her brother is the drummer. Super cool, eh?

If she's on your mind...

Holy Mother Earth, Jesus, Father Time, Spirits above, God[s/ess/esses]...
Please help her. Please?

If I'm to blame...

This is in my head...



Anyway... what's new in life?

So. Let me start off this entry tonight by saying I am very confused.
Jeff doesn't understand why I'm upset at the situation. That's what we'll call it... The Situation. It's frustrating because apparently other people know about this and they thought it would be funny. I went to Perks with James and he reassured me that I wasn't overreacting. He thinks I have every right to be. I am still unsure because like Jeff said, other people would have laughed at this. They could think this was funny. BUT... here's the thing... I'm not like other people. I don't want to be like other people. And it's all by choice. And then Jeff went on and on about how I "okay-ed it" but I didn't! Really... I genuinely thought it was a joke. I mean... seriously... the dialogue where I said "ok... whatever, fine..." went like this:

J: "I'm going to spike your drink! And you won't even know it! I have a plan and everything. I even know what day I'm going to do it!!!"
A: "Nooo, you won't do it..."
J: "I will. I most definitely will."
A: "Well... if you do it... I'll have to chop off your balls, in the middle of the night, in your sleep" <--- OBVIOUSLY THAT'S A JOKE...
J: "Consider me ball-less."

^^^REALLY?! I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY? Well, it's going to sound weird because anyone really reading this probably don't know who I'm talking about (except that it's some guy named Jeff)... but Jeff said this in a joking way. A friend and my roommate (I don't know how involved they were in)... thought he was joking as well. I mean, obviously I was joking... so it was supposed to be one big joke. AND, he even said it was a joke... HOWEVER, if it was... he shouldn't go through with it. If it was a joke... it should NOT have been done. That's my opinion. And like... he said it wasn't a trust issue (and James disagrees)... but to me it is. For me... I don't know... it makes me wonder... when is he being serious then? When is he joking? Am I supposed to take this lightly? Or is this something I shouldn't be concerned about? I don't understand. We're kinda frustrated with each other at this moment I suppose. And I was talking about it with James earlier, and he did state a good point: the people Jeff talked to are people who drink. If he did that to them, it would have been funny... and they would have laughed. However, what about someone who didn't want to be a part of it? And when do I take him seriously now? How can I TRUST him whether or not it's a joke that's coming out of his mouth or the truth?

Well now that i rambled and incredible amount of (for a lack of better words) rambling, I think I'm going to head to bed. After all... at the moment... it's 2:15am.